HOW TO BECOME A NIGERIAN SUPERSTAR MUSICAL ARTIST

The Nigerian music industry has proven itself to be more lucrative than all other branches of entertainment in the country. The field is so rewarding that some artistes are getting not less than 1m for an hour on stage. The kind of convoys, mansions, and big star friends of various
Nigerian artistes today show us just how fecund the field is. Been a music addict, I’ve played all sorts of Nigerian songs and know exactly what buttons to press, to achieve success in the Nigerian Market, but since I am more disposed to writing, than I am to music, I have decided to lay out these tips here for super star wanna bees

No matter how funny you find this piece, just know that it is the absolute truth, borne of intensive and fastidious research and therefore, deserves a try from you, if you are interested in becoming a super star.

Get a fast beat

You’ve probably heard people saying that to create good music in this country, you’ll need the services of dexterous producers like J Martins, or Terry G. But am telling you now that this is not true. These acclaimed producers will only give you beats we all can improvise without stress so you might want to keep the money you’ll pay them for something else. Now, how do you get your beats? Its simple. All Nigerian hit songs have one basic beat- and I mean ALL NIGERIAN HIT SONGS. This beat is no other than Awilo – or makosa

Of course, you’ll have to change the tempo or speed to achieve a variation. Along the line, you might also end up creating something totally different from Awilo’s beat after hours of working on it. But the main thing is this; you must start with makosa beats if you are bent on making a hit.

Lyrics

This one couldn’t be easier , believe me. You can create the lyrics to a Nigerian hit song by simply resampling the lyrics of another artiste, who of course, copied his from someone else. The truth is, your lyrics must talk about how you were poor and your enemies said you would never make it, and how you are now rich and girls are chasing you here and there. Just listen to 10 nigerian songs right now and you;ll get the picture.

Its also okay to repeat anything you want to repeat. Infact, a recently released song has the word “Etihi, divea” as its only lyrics from beginning to end and the song is actually a hit song today. So long as your makosa beats are still running; anything can go!

Video

For some funny reason, Nigerians don’t seem to like videos shot in their own country. Hence, its important that you shoot your video, or at least, pretend to shoot your video outside the country. Don’t worry, just shoot the video in a room here in Nigeria, and before the song begins, have the video editor write “Shot in Carlifornia, USA”. That would do- I mean, no one is gonna sue, you know. The content of the musical video shouldn’t give you cause for headache either. Get yourself lots of fake dollars, and hire the services of white prostitutes too – it will help solidify the idea of your video being shot abroad.

If your mind is so fertile as to invent a new dance step, then things couldn’t get any better. The dance step shouldn’t be anything worth getting a degree for. You could simply jump up and throw your arms wide. Believe me, if you do that well enough, you would be introducing a new dance step which will of course, help make your music sell faster than anything. I mean, how else did we get a dance step like azonto?

Marketing

There is a little problem here. The Nigerian music user doesn’t care about the lyrics of your song. He doesn’t care about the rationality of your dance step. He doesn’t care about your personality. He doesn’t even care about your name. however, he also doesn’t care about the genuinety of the cd of your song which he buys and the cd marketers themselves don’t give a hoot either. This means that your music could sell 1 million cds and only 5 copies of it will be original. Now, that’s a real problem.
Trying to correct this phenomenon is like pouring water on stone, with the intention of softening it. We Nigerians simply jump up to dance to any music we hear, and whoever sang it can go to hell for all we care! Matter of fact, top Nigerian artistes have given up the idea of making money through selling cds. Also, looking at the type of shit you are selling, you cant expect any reasonable company to use you for adverts, do you? (except globacom of course, which I think have begun to count their losses and wont hire anyone again) The only way to make money is to attend shows and if you pull all the stunts above , there should be enough shows to build you a house, buy you many cars, and get peeps like Rick Ross on your list of friends, you know what I mean.

Finally, Nigerians will forget you as fast as they noticed you and its just the truth. Your nonsense will sell, but it wont sell forever. Hence, you must plan for your post-super star days while you are still a star. Don’t bother opening a studio as that might not help very much. Its most advisable to invest in landed properties as these tend to stand the test of time.

And as for the girls, enjoy the most beautiful ones that throw themselves at you while they are still doing that because in a matter of months, some new super star will emerge and no one will remember you ever had a voice.